Saturday, March 31, 2007

She's a woman, you know what I mean.

Women are after other women. They're like animals when it comes to looking better than the other one. The strongest girl wins. And she will show it with such pride, when she wins, that you can't resist trying to defeat it. And it's not a secret, if you're a girl reading this you might think outloud, "Psh - I don't play along with such competition!" but you so are. Appearing pretty or seductive towards men is just a little part of it. Because if you're pretty, you get noticed, men notice you, and other women get jealous about it. The ones that swoon over female models the most are - yes indeed - the females. I know so many men that wouldn't even think about "doing" Kate Moss, but you as a lady, you would, right? I know I would. She would be the only girl, if she fancied me, I would stop liking men instantly for. Men just like meat. And can you blame them? I don't. Then why is it that we want to look like twigs? It's not like the men love it, they'd have ass and tits over bones any day. It's about competition.
I have to admit myself, shamefully or not, I love it when people get jealous of me. My mom once said to me, "Artists are thé most selfish people alive." And 'though I don't agree with that fully, there's a point. When I write a song, or when I draw something neat, I want reactions. I want the world to think I'm a goddess. Eventhough it's a pretty crap drawing, I still want someone to be amazed. And that, yes, is pretty selfish. (But let's not get into how selfish people are shall we.)
What I was saying, I have to admit that when I hear someone say I look nice, it does feel good. In some way, it ofcourse boosts your ego. But the thing is - eventhough it's nice to get compliments by men - women usually get offended by it rather than they see it as a compliment. But when other women tell you you're beautiful... then you're just plain beautiful.

I'm never out to fish for compliments. When I was young I hated the way I looked. (Around the age of 15/16.) I was too fat, my hair was always shit, my legs were way too short, my hands were like tiny little creatures with weird nails, my nose was too "normal", my Drew Barrymore chin was the ugliest part of my body, my womanly tummy was like an explosion and my ass was nowhere to be found. Everything was wrong, everything could be better. At one point... I gave up wanting to be a supermodel. I've had bitches for girlfriends, the realcompetitivee type, the ones that justdesperatelyy needed to be better than you and when they were, they wouldn't cope without the world knowing it. At one point... I thought I had no value whatsoever. I was just "filling up" a space in this world, and my best friend was the star, I was just around somewhere. This happened too much, those girls trying to be superwoman while I thought, "hey but I'm not shit either y'know." After about 10 of these... I gave up. Or maybe that's not the right way to say it. I really think from one day to the next I changed from hating myself to accepting it, to liking it. I found myself a nicer view of myself, and I gained confidence.

Why are women after other women? Do you really want to be the skinniest and the tallest because men will like you better? Usually, you're only jealous of other women because of men, when you like someone. In my head, it can get pretty darn freaky when it comes to jealousy. Good thing is - it stays there. And bad thing is - I'll cry and hurt about it without you ever knowing. I'm way too jealous of other girls when I'm in a relationship or when I like someone because I fear I could do better, or maybe if I totally change myself, I could be even better. And it's pretty ugly in there.

I do get jealous of other women because I like hearing I'm creative or I'm pretty, and when others do too, for a different reason, for instance when someone's a brilliant actress, I get jealous because I think "Fuck, why can't I be?" But it usually ends in an "ehh." And I really have no answer why women are jealous of other women. Why we try to top that pretty blonde singer, why we try to be the coolguitaristt, why we want to be the girl that breaks hearts with songs, why we suffer to be the girl with all the talents and the gifts. Maybe we need to. Maybe that's the cure. Try and top that girl that tried to top you, not with more make-up or better boobs, not with changing yourself, but with being exactly who you are right now. Just think the way you are right now are the new huge breasts.
And if they don't agree, EHH!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Change

And if I change am I denying what was said? If I remain the same, am I creating greater problems instead?

Do you ever think you're being thought about? Do you still believe we need to sort things out? Does it matter now, all those things we said?

I want to know can I still creep into your bed at night
and leave your head alone?

- Change - KT Tunstall